I’m sitting in Fischbach Castle apparently seated beside the Grand Duchess of Luxembourg – “call me MT,” she whispered now and again- but in some separate reality I was floating above the whole scene. Isn’t this what happens when people die? I wondered, cause surely I was. I felt feverish, nauseated, had blurred vision and black dots even appeared once threatening to faint me right out of the room. I sort of felt like I’d just finished a chemo treatment, but that was all in the distant past – a whole year ago.
“Fawnnnnntaaastic!” MT lightly swatted my arm in response to something Kim, the guest of honour and also my namesake, had said- probably something about choosing peace. Kim mostly talked about peace and forgiveness, and she lived it too. She was the famous little girl on the LIfe magazine cover-naked and burned-running from the hell raining from the sky. Years later, she has the audience of kings and queens and presidents; and that’s how I ended up here.
“Fawnnnnntaaastic!” MT swatted in excitement after Kim said she forgives the soldiers who harmed her. I nod like an eager beaver in agreement; I was not prepared for this moment as I’d been informed I would eat with the servants in the servants’ quarters (thankfully!). After we’d been introduced with much fanfare -twelve trumpets trumpetting as we exited a shiny black Bentley, the likes of which I’d only seen in the movies – to the Duke and Duchess of Luxembourg, their scruffy little royal dog decided my vagina was sniff-worthy. “Awe, what a cutie!” I pretended as I guarded his nose toward other things. I was floating by now. This was overwhelming; I couldn’t wait to sit with the servants and be asked questions about how many languages I spoke, even though I knew only English, and they had all mastered eleven tongues. Talk about feeling like the odd man out; I felt intimidated, yet relieved, to eat with the servants.
“Madame Kimberley,” the handsome Henri, (why, dear god, did he have to be so handsome??) the Grand Duke of Luxembourg turned towards me, “would you care to join us for dinner?” I’d been taught a few things in prep for this moment: don’t extend your hand in greeting first, curtsy when you’re introduced, and say yes to everything you can without sacrificing your morals.
I didn’t miss a beat. “It would be a pleasure, thank you,” I tried to curtsy while also guarding my vajayjay from the royal sniffer. And that’s how I ended up at this table with MT who, to my dismay and delight, was NOT wearing hose in an age of hosed women. I couldn’t wait to get home and get the bloody things off, and I was sure these hose made vajayjays more fragrant.
“Fawnnnnntaaastic!” It was MT’s favourite word. Every time she said it, my brain would recall a commercial for a window cleaning product ….it always ended with the phrase, “It’ssssssssss Fannntastik!” When the Duchess surreptitiously hit a wee bell beside her cutlery placement, the doors opened, and six penguins entered carrying silver covered trays and, in perfect synchronization, laid the platters and lifted the bell-shaped tops. By now, I felt very ill and was desperately trying not to excuse myself from the table; diarrhea is a thing for me when I’m stressed.
“Madame Kimberley, as an educator (I was a teacher), how do you feel the events of 911 have affected the children of the world?” the Duke was looking directly at ME, across the table, asking ME a question. And he was so frigging hot!! What the hell would I say? I wasn’t prepared for this situation; I felt out of control!! I liked to practise for important things like speeches and exams and conversations with royalty. I wanted to go home, and suddenly, there was a fly, buzzing around the Duke’s head, tormenting him and eventually landing on his nose. Henri laughed as he swatted it away, and I gently slid back into my body. I wasn’t alone; if a fly was welcome, then surely so was I.
“I believe the children of the world will rise up stronger and more resilient than ever before; in so many ways, this event has connected the children of the world.”
“Fawnnnnntaaastic!” MT swatted me with approval. Henri smiled. Kim looked proud of her English-speaking assistant. And I wouldn’t have been surprised if I’d heard the word “Cut!” interrupt this most absurd, fantastic moment in my life.
Cancer bits from 2 peas in a pod 
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